I was talking with a friend who was exhausted from moving her parents out of their 55+ community apartment. Apparently, her dad did not like the ambiance that the new senior lifestyle provided. His words were “It’s Florida, and people waiting to die – moved north.” I can’t blame him. I have visit many people in these communities and despite all the hoopla about activities and no-hassle living, they can be a bit depressing.
Whenever I walk into these places – and it doesn’t matter in which state they are — I notice the décor is the same. To be blunt, the décor is Laura Ashley meets Hospital modern with a few antique reproductions thrown in. If all your residents are 90 years old this is fine, but these places are marketing to 55+, and this type of interior design – well, it sucks. Okay, this is my first pet peeve on these complexes: If you are 55 and looking to move into one of these communities, SHAME ON YOU! You should be still be dreaming about getting laid not about bathrooms with safety bars.
Anyway, I do believe the real target of these complexes is those who are well into their sixties and above. In case anyone has forgotten, this is the “Make Love, Not War”, “Give Peace a Chance”, “Turn on, Tune in, Drop Out” generation. This generation inspired civil rights, activism, women’s liberation and great rock ‘n roll. To stick them in a complex where low-sodium meals and “maintenance-free living” are the highlight of their day, is disrespectful to say the least.
Okay, before all the senior complexes start yelling, I will admit that life is what you make it. So, if seniors participate in activities at these places, they will stay busy and maybe happy. But, I want to propose an alternate lifestyle at these places. No, not couple and sex swinging– although, that might truly liven up the places a bit – no, I want to propose a senior center built around the 1960’s generation. So, here it is my plan for my new senior living apartment complex – Forever Young, Adult Partying Community — which, by the way, will be located on Abbey Road.
At Forever Young, the interior design will be a throwback to the 1960’s. Apartments will have shag carpeting and bean bag chairs (elevated of course – even I have trouble working my derriere out of the traditional floor-model bean bags and I have a while to go until I reach 55). Apartments can have bongs, hanging beads and lava lamp accents. My complex will be in a medicinal marijuana-sanctioned state so those bongs will have a practical purpose as well. I will also offer a variety of activities for my residents. I know, there are activities at the normal 55+ communities too, but my community will take activities to a new level.
Beatles Bowling – Glow-in-the-dark bowling is all the rage today, and I think my residents will get a kick out of it. Of course, since we are dealing with some people who might still have LSD flashbacks especially when exposed to strobe-lighting effects, we will also offer Peter, Paul and Mary Bowling or boring, fluorescent-light bowling. Beatles Bowling will be more than an activity; it will be a competitve sport. Forever Young will set up inter-community competitions with other complexes, and our team will be known as “The ROLLING HeadSTONES”
Beach Boys Pools, Spas and Aquatic Center – Swim, enjoy aquacise classes, float on a noodle — whatever. There are no real rules for the pool area except that no peeing is allowed. Wear a bathing suit or not – this is a “free zone”, so enjoy.
The Grateful Dead Gardening Club: Listen to all the classic Dead Tunes as you grow whatever you want to grow in raised beds which means no kneeling on the ground which means no knee and hip injuries.
The Steven Tyler Salon – Yes, Steven Tyler would gladly put his name on a salon for his fellow “oldsters”. Book an appointment and learn the secrets to his youthful looks. However, be prepared to show your Medicare card as some of his secrets might involve plastic surgery.
The Piano Man Pub: Karaoke Seven nights a week. You always thought you were better than Billy Joel – here is your chance to prove it.
Born to Run Gym: It pains me to see that Bruce Springsteen is in his sixties, but he still rocks the house when he is on tour, and he is still buff. So, I think a gym named after him is perfect. Here, residents will take aerobics, spinning classes and kick boxing while they listen to Bruce’s songs of rebellion and angst.
These are only a few of my many planned activities. Don’t worry if you are more the sedentary type, I will have solariums and relaxation areas such as the “Hey You, Get off of my Cloud” Spa which will feature massages, yoga, tai chi and napping stations.
Right now, I can see the 55+ communities making plans to steal my 1960’s themed apartment complex ideas.. Go ahead and try and I will sue your asses off. However, if you want to hire me as a consultant, I am available.