Q. Papa: My brother ordered a white iPhone 5. Does this mean he has turned gay? And, if so, do I have a greater chance (due to the gay genes) of turning gay too?–Curious (not bi-curious) in Camden
A. Dear Curious in Camden: At first, I was going to laugh this off as a stupid question and not reply. Then I realized that: 1. I only had three people send in “Ask Papa” questions and I can’t afford to laugh off porno spam emails at this point and 2. Three days before you sent this question in, I placed an order for a white iPhone 5.
That made me worry. Is owning a white iPhone 5 some sort of signal to the homosexual community that you are a cruising member of its ranks? Is it the smartphone equivalent of a pierced right ear? Because I dumped my chick in August and haven’t glazed a donut since. The last thing I need is the color of my iPhone telling the women of the world to steer clear because I’m looking to have the device set to vibrate, crammed in my ass and put on some leather boy‘s speed dial. I just thought it looked sophisticated, like a P. Diddy all-white party.
For research purposes, I put on my box set of Queer as Folk and watched it start to finish. Surely, if the white iPhone 5 were a tool of gay seduction, I would notice it somewhere in the series. The verdict? Not a single white iPhone 5 in any episode of the show. And, while naysayers may be quick to point out that Queer as Folk‘s finale was seven years ago, predating the iPhone 5 by nearly a decade, we all know gays are tragically ahead of the fashion curve. If owning one was the thing to do, they would have had it. Even back then.
As for a greater chance of you turning gay due to your brother buying a white iPhone 5, I’m not sure people really turn gay. I think you’re kind of gay from the get-go and slowly come to terms with it. Homosexuality isn’t the same as developing a taste of anchovies on pizza later in life. So if you don’t have a secret stash of gay porn on your computer, and you haven’t accidentally moaned, “Oh, Steven” while your girlfriend was going down on you, you’re probably not gay. Though the cock pic you sent along with this email isn’t helping your case.
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