Buxom Blonde Bimbo Biker Bikini Babes from Bali will return after these commercial messages…

(Picture of an old fart scratching his ass appears on the screen.)

He once spent an hour walking in circles, after being told to stand in the corner of a round room. He has a tattoo on his left calf of a rooster with a noose around its neck, so he can tell women he has a cock that hangs below his knees. He honestly believes that mother is only half a word. He once seriously injured his penis after being told to go fuck himself. He is the stupidest man in the world.

(Picture of an old fart picking his nose appears on the screen.)

I don’t always drink horse-piss in a bottle, but when I do, I drink Dos Equines.

(Picture of an old fart gagging while trying to drink appears on the screen.)

Dos Equines would like to remind you to drink responsibly, in other words, don’t drink Dos Equines.

(Picture of a horse laughing appears on the screen and then fades out.)

(Picture of a mail carrier appears on the screen.)

Hi. You know, I’ve been working for the post office for most my adult life now. Delivering your crappy mail in the rain, the sleet, the snow, all while ruining my back from all the trudging around. And now, because you lazy bastards can’t be bothered to pick up a damned pen and actually write, I’m going to lose my job. That’s right, just a couple of years before full retirement too. But don’t worry about; it’s not like “Going Postal” was coined because of a malcontent mail carrier expressing himself with a shotgun. No sir’re Bob.

(Mail carrier gets a “Here’s Johnny” look like Jack Nicholson in the Shining.)

This message brought to you by the Postal Service, who’d like to remind you to buy Stamps, because the life you save might be your own.

(Picture of a distressed man on a cell phone, standing next to a pile of rubble that used to be a car.)

Hello, is this Ass Plaque insurance? I just totaled my car… again, and I was wondering if I’m covered? No? What do you mean no? But… your commercial made it sound as if I could drive around like a blind Asian woman with road rage. How could I not be covered? So you’re saying you dropped me the second I actually got in my car?

(Duck walk pass man giving him the bird, then quacks “Ass Plaque.”)

Damn, maybe I should have gone with that company with the Rastafarian Lizard. What? Really? They would have dropped me too?

(Duck laughs at man, then quacks “Ass Plaque.”)

Well, you know what you can do with your insurance?! You can shove it up your… Hello, hello? Damn, they hung up on me!

(Lizard gives man the finger and laughs.)

This message brought to you by Ass Plaque Insurance. We’ll take your money, just don’t expect it back.

We now return you to Buxom Blonde Bimbo Biker Bikini Babes from Bali…

“Man, the crap I put up with to watch half naked chic’s in B-movies. Sheeeh, just say’n.”

Jack Sass

Jack “Sass” Masters is a cynical 44 year who’s been married to the same vicious broad for the past 17 years. He spends his time eating, drinking, watching TV and religiously avoiding work. He occasionally writes following the philosophy that anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed.

Tags: b-movies, Jack Sass, TV commercials