Authorities are still searching for a cop-killing sniper who is hiding somewhere in the Pocono Mountains. He’s been eluding law enforcement for more than six weeks and it’s thought that he has a well-provisioned bunker somewhere. It not easy nabbing a well-prepared survivalist in a 40,000 acre track of land. The only time he’s expected to emerge is on November 4th, to cast a ballot for Pennsylvania’s pro-gun candidates.
The authorities have tried, however. They demolished the front of a barn after seeing body heat on thermal imaging equipment. It turned out to just be a family of raccoons.
I’m no law enforcement expert, but I know how to catch this guy. News reports claim that his anger toward police may have started in 2006 when he went to jail for stealing $3,800 worth of military uniform reproductions. You can just picture the guy standing in a courtroom wearing a spiked German helmet and saying “Not guilty, Your Honor.”
So here’s what authorities need to do: Put coat hangers on trees all throughout the Poconos. On them hang the rarest, most vintage World War Two uniforms we can find. Make sure they’re in sunny places and load them up with medals that’ll glimmer in the sunlight. And sewn into each will be a GPS chip.
One day the guy will be out checking his squirrel traps. He’ll see a flash of light, look over, and then shout “Holy crap, it’s a Prussian military one-piece bathing suit!” And while he’s back in his bunker playing out a fantasy about being at the Black Sea while on leave, the authorities can nab him.
And then we’ll just need to apologize to the raccoon family and build them a new home.
I think this will definitely work. Those Prussian military one-piece bathing suits are gold to these people!
I like this idea. Good way to grab that S.O.B or maybe he can just freeze during the winter. Either way, I’m good! Should we send this to the state troopers?
Please do Donna, thanks. We’ll split the reward.