Commando In Chief | HumorOutcasts

Commando In Chief

August 1, 2014
By

heidi hot flashI want everyone reading this to sit down immediately. It’s important because what I’m about to say will not only be life changing – it may in fact be the single greatest discovery one woman has ever made and I want to make sure that when I say it – nobody keels over and conks their head on a coffee table or a toilet – depending on where you read my blog but lets be serious I know it’s the later. Okay? We good? Everybody sitting? Here we go. I Heidi Clements, have discovered the secret to stop menopausal hot flashes and sweatiness. Boom Shaka Laka!! Let me start at the beginning.

For those of you who’ve read my book – some things have changed since it’s been published and I feel it’s my duty to update you.

1. I get hot flashes now.
They are constant. They are fucking annoying. They are ruining my hair. I have been forced to purchase a handheld fan and get looks from the boys I share a writers room with when I turn it on and point it at my head. I also like to pretend I’m a supermodel on a photo shoot when I do this.

2. I finally got that tattoo of my dog Zoey who died.
It’s her name on my right wrist. I didn’t get a giant picture of her head on my shoulder but I thought about it.

3. I am now a person who leaves the house without underpants.panties

And there we have it folks. Number three.

So, last night, I was invited to go hear one of the stars of “Baby Daddy” sing a few songs from his upcoming album. (he was amazing) The first problem was – what to wear. Now I don’t want to call myself obese because that’s just silly. I’m not obese. I’m morbidly obese. I’m a house. I’m a building with shoes. I’m puffed up so big if you stuck a pin in my I’d balloon all the way to Jersey. At least, that’s how I feel lately. I’m not sure why this is. I work out everyday. I don’t eat that much. I am confused. I am exhausted. I am running out of things that I think I look good in and last night my bedroom looked like a graveyard filled with stacks of dead body skirts and pants. I finally settled on a long tight skirt that sort of acted like a girdle but when I went to put on underwear the panty lines were so hideous because there was spillage over the top and out the bottom. Not cool. What to do? Well, I did what many girls do but I myself find truly gross disgusting and weird. I went out without underwear. At first it was okay. I didn’t really notice. But the second I sat down in my car – my two fat thighs started touching and I’m not gonna lie – it was odd – it was downright creepy. And depressing. But it was too late to turn back because it was – well too late. I parked by the event – about three blocks away – and began my walk. The only problem was – it was on a side street in Hollywood and my walk to the venue was suddenly feeling very rape-y. I was literally walking down rape alley, by myself, with no underwear on. This was clearly a mistake. When I got attacked somebody would say I was asking for it. “Of course she was raped. She was on rape alley with no panties.”

So I hurried along and finally made it to the venue. I kept thinking that other people would find out I was unclothed in the pants area. I was nervous. I felt weird. But then it happened. Every single person in the place was complaining about the heat – except me. Young people were sweating – visibly. I was not. Now I’ve become a person who is hot everywhere constantly. The most common phrase I utter these days is – “Is it hot in here or am I having a hot flash?” But last night – it wasn’t me. And I finally realized why. It was the underwear – or in this case – the lack thereof. It turns out the secret to staying cool is a skirt and no undies. It turns out – the vagina is the airway we should be leaving open – a breezeway dare I say that lets the hot world around us just wave in and out. Just like the Hatch in Lost, my girlie parts are trapping heat and if I don’t push the button the whole things gonna blow. Yes, the unpantied vagina is a gateway to keeping cool.

I was so happy with my discovery that I forgot how fat I was on the way home and stopped to secretly buy some ice cream – Ben and Jerry’s half baked which thanks to my friend JL is now going to be a major problem for me. There I was in the supermarket without undies in the freezer section thinking – I pulled off two big things tonight and no one will ever know. And that’s when I looked up to see my friend Victoria walking down the aisle. Caught.

So – the moral of this story is – if you’re having a hot flash ladies – take off your undies – but if you need to get ice cream at 11pm – go to a supermarket in someone else’s neighborhood because getting caught with your hand in the freezer is way more embarrassing than getting caught without your underwear on. At least in my world.

Heidi Clements

supermodel, scientist, philosopher. i invented the donut hole. I write a blog and a tv show. Both are amazing. As am I. Ish.

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook

Share this Post:

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

25 Responses to Commando In Chief

  1. August 4, 2014 at 7:25 am

    I wish I had learned that secret when I was going through hot flashes. Guess I was late to that party!

    • August 6, 2014 at 10:21 am

      i wish i could figure out these hot flashes in general. they are so random!!! the underpants thing is apparently an age old secret. hmmmm i wonder where that expression comes from?

  2. August 4, 2014 at 12:37 am

    Please tell me how you forgot you were fat! I remember it every time my damn fat roll hangs over my underwear. Wait. Maybe I do need to go commando. That would totally solve my problem!

    • August 6, 2014 at 10:21 am

      I got stoned lisa!!! its amazing what you forget when you’re high.

  3. August 3, 2014 at 10:23 pm

    A wonderful and fabulous read!!!

  4. August 3, 2014 at 5:45 am

    What’s a hot flash?

    • August 6, 2014 at 10:22 am

      F U maura.
      kidding. sort of.
      (INSERT EVIL SMILEY FACE HERE)

  5. August 2, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    I love the vagina trapping heat too.. Hatch.. bwahaha. . Great writing.. you, the fan, pretending to be a supermodel. I can relate

    • August 6, 2014 at 10:22 am

      THANKS!!!! When will my vagina be used for good instead of evil again? i miss those days.

  6. August 2, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    My head is still swirling from the concept that the vagina is like the Hatch in Lost. That explains so much.

  7. Deb Martin-Webster
    August 2, 2014 at 11:11 am

    I want to live in Heidi’s world where menopausal women can frolic on city streets without panties and can eat ice cream all day without gaining an ounce . . . funny post Heidi!!

    • August 6, 2014 at 10:23 am

      thanks deb!!!! i want to live there too.

  8. August 1, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    So it’s either avoid pantylines and hot flashes or having something to catch the spritz of pee when we, laugh, sneeze, cough or laugh. This decision can only be made during times of copious amounts of alcohol!

  9. Kathy Minicozzi
    August 1, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    NOW you tell us!

    Why couldn’t you have come out with this when I was still having hot flashes?! 😉

    • August 2, 2014 at 10:37 am

      sorry kathy. i’m behind. get it?

  10. August 1, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    Okay, I have to ask…what was your friend wearing and buying? I’m just saying!

    b+

  11. August 1, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    hahaha! I’m not a big skirt wearer but this has possibility! And if you get REALLY desperate you can always go to the freezer section of the grocery store (late at night of course), open the freezer door and fan yourself with your skirt…now THAT would cool off anyone!

    • August 2, 2014 at 10:38 am

      true. they also have these weird cool towels they sell at bed bath and beyond you can just shove down your pants i guess but that may leave a mark.

  12. August 1, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    I like the commando idea. It’s a lot less noticeable than the stupid little fan that spritzes water in your face.

    • August 2, 2014 at 10:39 am

      to tell the truth donna – i can’t do it. i’m just a panty wearing kinda gal.



User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle



New Release
Who Moved My Teeth?: Preparing For Self, Loved Ones And Caregiving
By Cathy Sikorski Esq. and Corner Office Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle


New Release
Forever Montana
By Deb Martin-Webster and Shorehouse Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle






Archives