Dick Cheney Visited By Three Ghosts, Had Them Waterboarded

Former Vice President Dick Cheney recently revealed that he was, at some point, visited by three ghosts. The ghosts had claimed to have some information that could help the Vice President, so as a result, he had the three subjected to “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

“We felt pretty strongly that each of these individuals had some kind of information that we could use. And nobody just hands over that kind of knowledge. Especially these sorts of shady characters who are literally dead inside. So we were obviously desperate for information if we were going to have a ghost of a chance to uncover any new plots and diminish this specter of violence we face. We didn’t want to lose this chance and have this come back to haunt us. These phantoms must always be brought from the shadows.

The first one had detailed knowledge of many events which had already occurred. This of course proved his involvement. So we applied a little persuasion on him in the form of a habanero enema until he ratted out another whom he claimed had the info we were looking for concerning what kinds of plots were occurring at the present time. The second did indeed have the goods on current activities, but mostly just stuff you could know from watching the news. But we wanted to know about future plots, so we applied further pressure, if you know what I mean, to get him to give up his third compatriot who definitely knew some things that were still to come. It was just this sort of faceless enemy from which these techniques were carefully developed to extract crucial intel. The last guy was incredibly strong and didn’t say one word, but we were able to discern that someone was going to be targeted for death in the future. We suspected a very grave plot. So the only way was to, well this is a classified kind of thing, but I can say that the agent of death died of natural causes before the name was revealed.”

Cheney explained that the deaths of the suspects were unavoidable and that they were “practically already dead before they got here.” The three bodies remain unaccounted for.