This week Madam achieved a personal best for activating the most home alarm systems in a seven-day period. I’m speaking of alarms that result in unscheduled firefighter visits or Xcel Energy shutting off one’s natural gas. She succeeded at both.
Recently, while tending to her First Born’s cats, Madam received an anxious call from the home security company. True, the cats triggered the alarm, but it happened under Madam’s watch. Hence, it came as no surprise that yesterday she astonished a couple of police officers with her “alarming” ways.
Not that I have anything against warning devices that protect families and pets. Even my Home Sweet Home has a fire alert that goes off when our card games get hot, or someone burns the popcorn. Yet, this prompts little more than a routine stampede out to the mailbox where we wait until someone sounds the all clear. Madam’s snafus provide more lasting results.
It all began with her recent kitchen improvement project. I asked how she happened to choose a contractor with a shaved head and a tattoo that said, “If you can’t fix it blow it up.”
“Budget,” she replied tartly. “His name is Jake, and he enjoys a fine rating on Angie’s List. Besides, he promised to recycle that greasy old stove and exhaust hood.”
Once Jake started dismantling the kitchen, he kept a curious schedule. Here Monday, gone until Thursday. Then he took time out for a Las Vegas jaunt with his brother-in-law, followed by an extended break for walleye fishing on Lake Vermillion. Though Madam tried to keep Jake on a timetable, he never arrived at the appointed hour—or day, for that matter. So, when Jake announced that he would be in her kitchen ready to work at 9 bells Tuesday morning, Madam shrugged, set the security system, and left home that morning.
The first call from ADT Security went to Madam’s neighbor, the poor sap who agreed to respond in her absence. The second call went to Madam’s First Born who had already received a scolding from ADT for her recent false alarm. Since nobody could reach Madam, the dispatcher notified the police who arrived to find none other than Jake, donning earplugs and measuring the new countertops. It wasn’t until Madam got home that she learned about the incident.
“So, Jake,” she intoned crisply. “How was it that you decided to show up this morning, when punctuality has never been a part of our experience together?”
“Well, I was in the neighborhood having breakfast with my softball team,” he offered. “I thought I’d surprise you.”
Indeed…
“And what did the police have to say when they found you here?” she pressed. “Did they arrest you, or threaten to take away your license, or maybe your earplugs?”
“Not at all,” Jake replied with a grin. “I sold them that nasty old stove you wanted me to recycle. They said it would be perfect for their deer camp.”
He then handed Madam the twenty-five dollars he got for the stove, which she used to pay the false alarm fine she got from the City of Saint Paul. I guess that made them even.
As a dispatcher, I’ve sent units to many an alarm — and some of the reasons they were set off have been pretty interesting. Lately there’s been a trend of bats and floating helium balloons setting off motion sensors.
Oh boy, we are big on cats setting off alarms, though my children have assisted in more than one event. Helium balloons, wow. That must happen when they get creepy half-deflated nd sneak around the house.
You know, Noah looks a little different here…. 😉 And if it makes Madam feel better, my husband once told me that I should not sign up for fire alarms in addition to the perimeter security we have, because I “would be setting them off many times while cooking.” I didn’t argue.
Well, that’s really a poker pal in the photo. You know we also do the cooking, smoke alarms in our house. Madam just closes the kitchen door when it goes off and pretends it didn’t happen. No wonder she gets fined.
Mary, I know Noah is making fun of you here, but I must tell you that I have also set off the alarm on many an occasion. Oh well, at least I am in good company!
Yes, you are in good company. And, by the way, that goofy carpenter really did sell the stinky stove to a couple of cops. I just couldn’t fire him after that brilliant move.
Ooooh, loved your column but it brought back nightmare memories of false alarms. When we first moved into our new house back in 2000, we didn’t have the alarm code and it went off to full tilt screechingly high decibels and it went on for over 12 hours until we reached the former owners after they came home from work. It’s amazing our neighbors didn’t burn down our house. Now that would have been a for-real alarm!
You’re right, what a nightmare! Twelve hours!! I’ve heard my alarm just once, for a minute or two, and that was plenty.