It’s True, I’m the Female Larry David | HumorOutcasts

It’s True, I’m the Female Larry David

December 8, 2014
By

Emmy Nominations

I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m the female Larry David. My husband will back me up on that.

Let’s just call him Cheryl.

I was in the HBO store the other morning and I decided to pick up a Curb Your Enthusiasm baseball cap. You know, to sort of warn the unsuspecting public that I’m on the low tolerance for bullshit, take no prisoners spectrum. When the female cashier asked me what brought me in I replied “I knew there had to be some Larry David stuff in here.” to which she enthusiastically replied “I know! Isn’t he the best?”

Yes. Yes he is.

I went on to tell her that I am the female Larry and that my husband is Cheryl and that if not for my better half, LD might just be my soul mate. Cashier girl remarked that she’d never heard anyone refer to him in quite that way before. Okay, so maybe soulmate is a little much. But we agreed that people are always surprised to hear that women like the show and identify with Larry.

We’ve all been in annoying situations and had goofy shit happen to us. But it seems to happen to me with such frequency that I’m like a magnet for it. If there’s a messed up check out line, I’m in it. If I hold the door for somebody, they’re getting in to see the doctor first. And if some niggling little thing is said or done, I cant let it go without.saying.something.

Forget it if there’s a debate of some sort. For instance, last night a friend told me that subway fare is $2.25. “Nope” I said “it’s $2.50.”

Friend: it’s $2.25. You paid $10 for that Metrocard and you’ll get 5 rides out of it.”

Me: I’ve been buying subway fare for how long now and it’s $2.50. Says on the screen. ‘Single ride $2.50’.”

Friend: “I know it’s $2.25 because I just paid that on my credit card. You wanna see the statement?”

Me: “No, I know it’s $2.50. But okay, you win. It’s $2.25. (a minute goes by) I paid $2.50 though. Just sayin’…”

Of course after the subject had been dropped, I realized that we were both right and that a single ride is $2.50, while the Metrocard fare gives you a 25 cent break per ride. I did not fail to mention this, adding “So we were both right!”

After these exchanges, I’ll come home and announce that I’ve just experienced ‘a Larry David’. My husband knows that’s the signal to either offer me chocolate or hide. Sometimes both.

Sure he has the occasional Larry day too, and even more infrequently feels the need to respond to it. I, on the other hand, do not miss an opportunity. If a car is parked at an inconvenient diagonal, I let the poor unfortunate schmuck know about it. I see it as my duty to society. You’re welcome, society. I got this one. I’m taking it for the team. I know you probably won’t thank me either. I’m just sayin’…would it kill you to thank me?  I mean, these people are clearly menaces to society. Why can’t people park anymore? You’re not even driving a Lexus, you dim bulb, you’re driving a Toyota.

And what about moms in huge mini vans who can’t maneuver them. And how come the waiter only brought one water when my dinner companion asked for some? Not the whole table? What, we all gotta ask now? And that lady in front of me is really paying for that gum with her credit card? Are you kidding me? Why are there jug handles in New Jersey? Yeah, that was a GREAT idea to make me drive past where I wanna go, so I can back track half a mile to go BACK to it. And yes, that WILL be all. I bought one thing. Don’t look at me and ask if that’s ALL I’m buying because in this economy you should be happy I bought anything. I don’t ow you anything. And don’t even think about asking me for my email address. I’m not giving it to you. Next time I’ll spend a half hour trying things on and won’t buy anything. Or I will buy something and say your co-worker helped me. Or I’ll return it the next day. And I won’t have the receipt. And you won’t let me return it. And we’ll argue about it.

Just don’t expect a stop and chat.

And YES, I do think in italics. And capital and bold letters.

The HBO store cashier and I practically hi-fived over our bond. As I was leaving, a smile on my face, another HBO store employee bid me goodbye adding “Remember… it’s not TV…it’s HBO…”

I stopped in my tracks. “Actually…it is TV. It’s also HBO. If you say that, then Showtime can say “It’s not TV, it’s Showtime” Every channel can say that. Because what are you watching it on? If you’re watching on an iPad, okay. Then, it’s not TV, it’s iPad…”

Linda Roy

Linda Roy is a humorist, writer, musician living in New Jersey with her husband and two boys. Her blog elleroy was here is a mix of humor and music she refers to as “funny with a soundtrack”. She is Managing Partner and Editor-in-Chief at the politics & pop culture website Lefty Pop and was named one of BlogHer’s Voices of the Year for 2014. Her work has appeared at The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Aiming Low, Funny Not Slutty, Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, Mamapedia, Sprocket Ink, The Weeklings, and BonBon Break. She’s the female Larry David, and will criticize your parallel parking to prove it. When she’s not snarking and kvetching, she’s fronting the Indie/Americana band Jehova Waitresses.

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8 Responses to It’s True, I’m the Female Larry David

  1. December 10, 2014 at 9:59 am

    You had me at “moms in minivans”…

  2. December 9, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    I relate so much better with Larry Davids.

  3. December 9, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    Wish I could make you materialize the next time I’m in the supermarket parking lot and some schmuck has left a trolley in the middle of the only vacant slot, even though the trolley parking place is like two yards away. I can already feel the ghost of Larry rising …

  4. December 9, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    Loved this, Linda. So on Seinfeld, would you be George? (he’s patterned after Larry David). Someone once said to me, “You remind me of Elaine.” I know for a fact, it’s not the looks, must be the kooky dancing.

  5. December 9, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Linda/Larry there are more of us than the unsuspecting public knows…except for the fact that we can’t stop telling them! Great post.

    • December 9, 2014 at 10:27 am

      Ha! Ain’t that the truth? Pre-tty, pre-tty, pre-tty, pretty true.

  6. December 8, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    Larry…I mean Linda, great job!

    • December 9, 2014 at 10:27 am

      You can just call me Larry, Donna. lol



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