Gifts All Couples Get For Their Wedding That They Don’t Want | HumorOutcasts

Gifts All Couples Get For Their Wedding That They Don’t Want

August 25, 2014
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what every couple gets but doesn't ask forBeing in my mid 30s, I’ve been to a lot of weddings over the last decade.  With each wedding comes the obligation of a wedding gift.  The beauty of it is that there’s this beautiful thing called a gift registry.

I love the wedding gift registry, especially when I can order a gift from the comfort of my couch.  I’m not required to wear a bra there.

From the exact store to the precise aisle to the actual SKU number, couples go to a lot of trouble to tell guests exactly what they want to see wrapped up in a bow on their special day.

Why every wedding guest doesn’t buy off the registry blows my mind.  The happy couple equips guests with everything they need to know to buy them exactly what they want.

Could it get any easier?  Apparently so.

I’m amazed how many people give gifts that aren’t included on the registry.  I can’t imagine why Great Aunt Nell would know what a 30-year-old woman she hasn’t seen in 25 years would want, but apparently it’s a cross-stitched pillow with her name spelled wrong.

Because I’ve experienced these issues first hand, I’ve made a list of items I received that weren’t on my registry.

I have a feeling these items are universally received by couples everywhere.I also can’t fathom why the groom’s boss thinks he needs a shaving kit instead of those gardening shears he asked for.

1.  Vases

I’m not sure why newlyweds would need the amount of vases that come from gift-giving wedding guests.

Don’t they know that giving flowers occurs before the marriage and the wedding effectively stops that from occurring regularly in the future?

If my husband decides to give me flowers, and he really does, he  buys a bouquet at the grocery store when he’s picking up a gallon of milk.  It’s where financially prudent men purchase flowers.

Granted those don’t come with a vase; just rubber bands and plastic wrap.  However, when that happens I only need just one vase; not the 17 that I received as wedding gifts that are currently in my basement.

Those 17 vases will go unused, most likely until I can come up with an occasion to re-gift them.

flower-vase-298829_1920

2.  Picnic baskets

Who goes on a picnic anymore?  They’re only done in romantic comedies, and even then Sandra Bullock seems reluctant.

What couple decides to prepare finger foods, package them up, gather silverware, cups, napkins, a blanket, sunscreen, bug spray and wine, and then trek across town to a park to sit on the same grass that’s in their backyard?

No one I know.

3. Candlesticks

candlelight-397308_1920Unless it’s the 1600s, there’s no reason the modern couple would need candlesticks.  If the power goes out, there’s these new things called flashlights.  They provide light without dripping wax on your carpet.

If a guest really wants to give a good gift, they should consider a flashlight with an extra set of batteries.

Even there is a time when the power goes out and the happy couple’s flashlight doesn’t work for some reason, there’s a good chance the bride has several scented candles in varying shapes, sizes and scents; all of which come in a glass jar.

If someone is dead set on giving the gift of light, might I suggest lightbulbs?

frame-894864.  Picture frames

Although every couple needs picture frames to fill their house, sometimes that “house” is a studio apartment that barely fits a couch and a dirty recliner.

Fifty picture frames just aren’t necessary.

Granted, The Dollar Store has a wide array of picture frames for only a buck, but since those frames don’t come in a box and each one has a $1 sticker on the front of it, the couple is most likely going to figure out the guest spent $7.00 on their wedding gift….while the couple spent $27 on his food and at least $50 on beer for him at the reception.

5.  Champagne flutes

beer-glass-32068I don’t know many couples who regularly drink champagne.  Then again, I’m not that fancy.  In my experience, if a couple is entertaining guests, they’re usually serving PBR or whatever beer was on sale that week.

Although I like to think people are sophisticated, I suspect the only time most people drink champagne at home is when they have mimosas.  Even then, the champagne flutes are far too small.  They should drink out of plastic cups they got from the local pizza joint…just like the rest of us.

Hopefully this list will help those gift givers present the couple with things they actually want.

For any of you needing to buy a wedding gift, might I suggest sticking to the registry?

If you can’t do that, and you know if you go to the store  you’ll buy them the “perfect” item from the clearance bin, consider this: Do you know what makes newlyweds happier than getting a gift?

Cash.

Lisa Newlin

Lisa is a humor writer who plays an unconvincing lawyer in year life. She prefers dogs to most people, and food over most everything. Her blog, http://lisanewlin.com will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. (Except if the question is “What should I throw on this fire?” Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.)

She is also a co-author of the bestselling humor books, “I Just Want to Be Alone” and “‘You’ve Got Lipstick On Your Teeth,’ And Other Things Only Heard From Your Friends In The Powder Room.” You should buy them immediately on Amazon.com.

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8 Responses to Gifts All Couples Get For Their Wedding That They Don’t Want

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    August 27, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    I don’t want a wedding! Would that be a gift to myself?

    • August 27, 2014 at 5:35 pm

      Being single is probably the gift that keeps on giving. Wait. That’s herpes.

  2. Kathy Minicozzi
    August 26, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    Cash is always good, and it saves the giver the trouble of actually shopping. 😉

    The only problem is, if you don’t give a fair amount of cash (the amount of which differs, depending on the region and the socio-economic class of the participants), you are going to look really cheap.

    • August 26, 2014 at 10:42 pm

      I’m all about cash. Unless I barely know you, I will give you a check for $100 (unless I can find some sweet deals on stuff on your registry.) Either way, the shipping counts into my calculation of the $100 limit. $20 in shipping makes for an $80 gift. Whatever. I’m not leaving my house to get a gift!

  3. August 26, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Out in the garage we still have this huge, unopened, no-house-I-have-ever-lived-in-had-enough-counter-space, espresso machine from 25 years ago. It’s now an antique. Like us.

    • August 26, 2014 at 10:41 pm

      You could totally sell that on Ebay as “vintage.” Hipsters would love it!

  4. August 26, 2014 at 7:38 am

    This too has plagued me for years. Why oh why do you not use the registry? Lucky for you, you don’t live in the era of silver chafing dishes.

    • August 26, 2014 at 10:40 pm

      I don’t even know what a chafing dish is but for some reason it has me reaching for my aloe lotion.



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