Pest exterminators have a devastating new weapon in the fight against animal invaders: fracking.
Developed by the oil industry, fracking injects a mixture of sand, water, and chemicals at high pressure into the ground. The underlying shale is fractured and oil is released.
Now the technology, known as frack-a-mole, is being used to exterminate subterranean pests such as ants, termites, mice, moles, and groundhogs.
“I use my own cocktail of chemicals,” said Dewayne Groggs, owner of Frack-the-Critters Pest Control Services, Overkillville, Texas. “And I’ve rigged a compressor to shoot the stuff into ground nests and burrows so fast them critters don’t know what hit them.”
Groggs demonstrated the power of frack-a-mole technology recently. He was called in to exterminate a colony of groundhogs. After firing the deadly cocktail into a hole dug by the creatures, there were reports of it squirting out of the ground in a small town in Australia a few hours later.
Environmentalists argue that deploying a technology designed to pulverize solid rock to get rid of small animals and insects is excessive.
“That’s bullshit, I bet they wouldn’t say that if their house was being chewed up by a bunch o’ termites,” said Groggs. He argues that the technology is cheaper and more effective than toxic sprays.
“If you were an ant how would you like to die, slowly in a shower of bug spray, or quick after being hit by a jet of grit and chemicals moving faster than a freight train? I know which one I’d choose,” he said. “We’re doing these pests a favor.”
Reports of large cracks appearing in house foundations and disappearing lawns after frack-a-mole treatments have been used are exaggerated, insists Groggs.
“Critters had probably chewed away the foundations before the frack-a-mole guys were called in. People will complain about anything. If I had my way they’d be fracked too,” Groggs said.
Photo: Wikimedia
Frack-A-Mole. YAY! I could say frack-a-mole over and over. I’m gonna.
I think a million years ago, my old grandpa used a similar version called Blast-A-Mole. He would shove a hose down one of the mole holes, crank it up, then sit back in a comfy garden chair with a rifle at ready and blast away at the first furry head that popped up. I can still hear his laughter.
My father-in-law did the same. I guess in those days it was like watching Netflix
I’m going to agree with Donna’s recipe because I can’t cook!
That makes two of us
Hilarious. Far better than the hose a relative of mine hooked up to a tailpipe and jammed into the ground.
I think that’s called carbon sequestration!
I have my own frackin’ solution: a 90 pound shepherd/lab mix who so far has tallied in her extermination goal three ground hogs and two skunks. Such a funny post!
The Dogs of (pest) War!