Pope OKs Limbo for Teen Party Fun

VATICAN CITY.  Abandoning centuries of dogma in his continuing drive to liberalize church policies, Pope Francis I today issued an encyclical that approves the limbo, a Caribbean dance, at parties for Catholic teenagers.

 


“Limbo lower now!”

 

“There is reason to believe that devout youth can engage in limbo dancing without compromising their morals,” the Pope said in De Mores Praesul Limbonium, Latin for “On the Morals of Limbo Dancers.”  “As long as the girls wear turtle-neck sweaters, everything should be copacetic.”

 

 
“I’m sorry, your breasts–I mean your sweater–touched the bar.”

 

The limbo is a competitive dance in which partygoers take turns bending backwards and sliding under a bar that is progressively lowered.  The winner, the contestant who makes his or her way under the bar at its lowest point, is then permitted to choose a partner from among the other party-goers for a make-out session in the host’s coat closet.

In Roman Catholic theology, “limbo” refers to the status of unbaptized infants after death.  Because they bear the stain of original sin, such children cannot enter heaven even though they are not personally guilty of sins besides screaming and grabbing blankets from other children in the maternity ward.

The church had historically resisted the limbo dance out of fear that boys who suggested it at parties were merely interested in an excuse to look at girls’ upturned breasts.  In the early 1300′s the practice was banned in an effort to continue the Dark Ages and hold off the Renaissance for a few more centuries.  “We lost that battle,” says Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria.  “It’s time to move on and party down.”


Arinze:  “I told you if we put on Kool and the Gang everyone would start dancing.”

 

Experts in comparative religions said the church’s abandonment of its centuries-old position may have more to do with marketing than theology.


Swinging Episcopal sock hop

“The Catholics lose a lot of kids to the Protestants once they find out about the sock-hops the Episcopalians hold in their church basements,” said Dr. Martin Foley of the University of Chicago’s Divinity School.  “They tell them not to go because they play ‘Spin-the-Bottle’ too, but they don’t realize that’s just another incentive.”

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Here’s to His Holiness: Fake Stories About Real Popes.”

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2 thoughts on “Pope OKs Limbo for Teen Party Fun”

  1. I never knew the limbo was forbidden, but I can see why it was. It wasn’t the breast thing; it was just that the dance made everyone look silly. 😉

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