Have you ever been on a job interview where the interviewer has pulled out a whole bunch of required questions? Have you ever had to sit there like a dummy because the only answer you could think of was, “Huh?”
Well, we can do better than that. In the spirit of MAD Magazine, here are some snappy answers to stupid interview questions.
Q. What are your two greatest strengths?
A. I can hack into any email address in the company.
B. The handgun in my pocket.
Q. What are your two greatest weaknesses?
A. I never do any work if I can get someone else to do it and give me the credit.
B. I don’t show up for work half the time, but I always collect the paycheck.
Q. Where do you see yourself in five years?
A. I see myself in your job, but making a lot more money than you do.
Q. What would your boss say about you?
A. S/he’s a good lay, if you don’t mind doing it on a bare springboard.
Q. What circumstance brings you here today?
A. Oh, I was walking down the street and I thought, “Gee, this would be a good time to do a torturous, humiliating interview for a really crummy job.” So I came here.
Q. How do you handle stress?
A. I run around screaming obscenities in four different languages.
Q. Why should we hire you?
A. You’ve been wondering that, too?
Q. What are you passionate about?
A. You. Are you doing anything tonight?
Q. Describe a difficult situation and how you overcame it.
A. My boss wanted me to work, so I quit.
Feel free to add your own!
If you want to keep the interview interesting take a selfie with the interviewer without warning.
This would be even more interesting if the interviewer hates being photographed!
My boss brings me in to help with interviewing, all the time. She doesn’t know what questions I’m going to ask and neither do I. The one thing that the new employees are good at, is thinking on their feet. If they can get by the type of stuff I throw at them, they deserve the job!
Would you like to interview me sometime? I need the practice. 😉
I think this should be required reading for every college student. What the heck, they can’t get jobs anyway. At least they would feel better after being humilitated! Great job, from one Cathy to another.
Thanks! Now I know where to start selling my writings: college campuses!
Holy Cannoli, Kathy! You overheard one of my interviews! My best one was at AIG in 2000 when they informed me that they had no idea of their aggregate exposure in derivatives. Mind you, this is quite typical in most financial institutions.
“What do you suggest?” asked one of the top dogs in the executive conference room.
“Stop trading until you get a system in place,” I suggested.
I was escorted out right then!!
In some situations, honesty will just get you a swift kick!
By the way, what is “aggregate exposure in derivatives?” We, the finance and math challenged, would love to know.
Don’t worry, Kathy. 99% of people in finance don’t understand that as well including the ratings agencies!
Now, every employer in the world will be on the lookout for you!
Uh oh! I’d better start dyeing my hair again.