The Early Harvest Isn’t Looking So Hot

When I was a kid my family drove out West. On our way to Yellowstone we spent some time in Iowa. It’s a beautiful state filled with very nice people. We visited the fabled Corn Palace only to find a charred structure, but that might have been my uncle’s house (my memory is fuzzy on the details). But cruising through those quiet, verdant fields was wonderful – it made you feel like an extra in The Sound Of Music.

But recent events make me wonder if someone changed the movie to Children Of The Corn. Some pretty hostile Iowans have emerged recently as political candidates. To wit:

•  A guy running for the Senate has released an ad in which he threatens to “blow your balls off” if you visit his house uninvited. I know what you’re thinking, but no, this isn’t a sexual thing. In the ad the guy is clutching a Glock. But if he gets elected he won’t be home, because he’ll be in DC — so much for nut-hunting on the front porch.

• Another Senate candidate is claiming that the House Of Representatives is ready to impeach President Obama. But according to this guy, “Whether we like it or not, race is an issue.” This is valid. Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were impeached by the House (but acquitted by the Senate). Richard Nixon resigned before anything could happen. So, if Obama were white, he’d be toast. Fortunately, he’s not of the correct race to qualify for impeachment.

• Another candidate recently claimed that because she grew up castrating hogs, she’d be good at “cutting pork” in DC. I’m down with all forms of region-specific lingo (in Massachusetts candidates often claim that their opponent “is crabmeat.”). But senators always cut pork given to other states while fiercely defending their own (while complaining about pork). So, cutting your own pork is actually a skill that no candidate wants to possess. But this woman’s campaign-team gets credit for coming up with a kick-ass tour bus:

I’d love to re-visit Iowa someday. But I think I’ll wait until the elections are done.