Thistlebuck Preschool Academy for the Common-Sensed: Curriculum Goals and Parent Testimonials | HumorOutcasts

Thistlebuck Preschool Academy for the Common-Sensed: Curriculum Goals and Parent Testimonials

August 14, 2014
By

Prospective Parents: 

 

It’s that time of year again—school days!  Here at Thistlebuck Preschool Academy, we know you have a choice when it comes to your child’s education.  You, as parents of sound judgment, are aware that a child’s preschool learnedness should not be limited to intense kindergarten preparation.  And to you, life means more than one-upping your neighbor by having your child count backwards by 3’s in Mandarin.  Thistlebuck shares your sentiments.

 

While many of our academy graduates do proceed to attend kindergarten and beyond, we pride ourselves in the common sense of our alumni.  And a child with common sense contributes to a calmer family life.

 

Below is a general overview of our academy curriculum, followed by parent testimonials.  Contact us for more information and a tour of our facilities.  Hurry—space is limited!

 

Language Arts

  • Tattling v. Informing
  • Books:  Not for Chewing
  • Scrupulous Use of Imperative Statements

 

Math

  • Measuring Distance on a Walk/Bike Ride to Avoid Being Carried on the Return Home
  • Estimating Tantrum Decibels to Avoid Family Hearing Loss
  • Quantity and Fairness Calculation:  Accurately Comparing Sibling Dessert Portions
  • Future Bankruptcy Prevention, or, You Cannot Spend What You Do Not Have

 

Science  

  • Using a Microscope to Identify 178,000 Germ Bugs on Your Hands
  • Cooperating with Sunscreen Application so the Bright Light in the Sky Doesn’t Make Your Skin Red and Painful

 

Social Studies

  • Geography of the World—You Are Not the Center
  • There Is No Such Thing As a Free Lunch So Please Do Not Waste It

 

Music

  • How to Play Your Favorite Song Only Once
  • Treating Instruments With Care, or, That “Animal” Muppet Was A Massive Liability

 

Art

  • Safe Scissor Usage (i.e., Why Your Shirt Does Not Need Fringe)
  • Defining the Market for Your Art:  Fridge Before MOMA?

 

 

Physical Education and Nutrition

  • Timed Shoe-Tying, Clothes Dressing and Car Seat Buckling Assessments
  • How to Eat Anything:  Acceptance of One’s Meals
  • Well…But Not Everything:  Understanding Choking Hazards
  • Heavy Backpack Lifting:  Training One’s Spine for Years of Homework
  • Surviving Recess in the Extreme Temperatures of the Future

 

Whatever your opinion is of this student’s artwork, you have to admire that no shirt was harmed in its production.

Whatever your opinion is of this student’s artwork, you have to admire that no shirt was harmed in its production.

Testimonials of Satisfied Parents

 

  • “When our 4-year-old child won the Scripps National Spelling Bee, we were elated.  Imagine our horror when, exiting the Gaylord Convention Center, he ran out in traffic and was hit by a Hummer!  We then realized we’d somehow come up short with his education.  We were fortunate that his injuries were limited, and now we send our children to Thistlebuck.  We recognize the importance of true life preparation.”

 

  • “My 3-year-old went to a nearby preschool for 2 months.  Far advanced in learning her mathematics, she asked for our help in setting up a lemonade stand to self-fund her 529 college savings plan.  Soon she disappeared, having somehow accessed all our savings and retirement funds, and was en route to Canada.  The FBI recommended your program, and we’ve been happy ever since.”

 

  • “My sister sent her daughter to a ‘play-based’ program in order to ‘keep childhood sacred.’  When we babysat our niece, all she wanted to do was stare at butterflies in the yard for hours, but she couldn’t count past 2.  That’s when we began researching Thistlebuck for our infant’s future.”

 

PARENT ENRICHMENT COMING IN FALL!

 

“Weekend Workshop for the High Maintenance-Inclined Parent Personality” will cover topics such as:

  • Appropriate Reasons and Times to Call Preschool Faculty on Their Cell Phones
  • First World Versus Third World Problems, A Study in Perspective
  • “Where Are They Now?” Panel Discussion:  Thistlebuck Alumni Who “Only” Played Minor Roles in the Annual Sing-a-Long Share the Real Effect on Their Lives

 

Emily Schleiger

Emily Schleiger is a writer in the Chicago area. Her work has been published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, Second City Network, and HumorOutcasts.com. After surviving a short career in Human Resources, she has studied at The Second City and Gotham Writers’ Workshop. For more writing, check out EmilySchleiger.com and DontRepeatThisInPreschool.com. For her birthday she would love a drum set, but in the interim she’s just fine with smacking carrots against the kitchen countertop because she is adaptable like that.

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9 Responses to Thistlebuck Preschool Academy for the Common-Sensed: Curriculum Goals and Parent Testimonials

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    August 17, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Why, oh why did Thistlebuck not exist when I was little? I had to go straight to kindergarten, and it wasn’t pretty, I tell you, even though my Grandma had already taught me how to count to 100 all by myself and how to make barnyard animals out of potatoes.

    • August 18, 2014 at 8:08 am

      I’m trying to figure out if making barnyard potatoes would have been an art form or punishment?

  2. August 14, 2014 at 11:28 am

    One can only imagine what those cell phone calls are like for the faculty. Yikes!

  3. August 14, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Sounds like the perfect program for those stuck in a three-year-old outlook towards life despite their chronological age.

    • August 17, 2014 at 10:46 am

      Yes, there is no age limit for admission consideration. 🙂

  4. August 14, 2014 at 9:22 am

    This is where trained teachers come in, right? Let someone else yell the same thing.

    Thank ya!

  5. August 14, 2014 at 9:02 am

    Emily, this is great. I love the Geography reference. So many times I have screamed the words “You are not the center of the universe” mostly to deaf ears, but I tried.

    • August 14, 2014 at 9:23 am

      This is where trained teachers come in, right? Let someone else yell the same thing.

      Thank ya!



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