Troubles, Oh So Taxing

Imagine my surprise when I saw myself in this ad. I really thought this was behind me. I got bagged running out of a store with hundreds of Twinkies stuffed down my shirt. Which was a blessing, because when the security guard tackled me it really softened the fall. This happened in 2012 after Hostess announced it was shutting down production of the one food group that’s worth a damn. Fortunately, my lawyers at Dewey, Screwup & Howe got me off with a light sentence. For two years I had to participate in competitive eating contests. It was hell.

Clink the link if you don’t believe me. If it doesn’t work, just keep trying, there’s probably just a lot of web-traffic at the moment.

All this talk about crime has got me thinking about inventions. I don’t know why, it just does. I recently scrapped my newest idea – an AK 47 charcoal lighter that shoots a flame out of the barrel. It sounded good until I pictured some guy shooting his drinking buddy with a real gun while trying to light his cigarette. I don’t need any more legal troubles.

But legal trouble is also a great incubator for invention. Think about the handcuffs people wear in court. Ugly, clunky metallic things that haven’t changed much since the ones with adjustable ratchets arrived in 1862. They’ve got no style and they’re barbaric-looking.

To summarize:

So here’s my idea. We create diamond-encrusted handcuffs that snap on to a pair of solid gold cufflinks. And we call them handcufflinks.

With tax season upon us, super-rich people will start getting arrested, so this is potentially a huge market. Think about it – putting a One-Percenter in ordinary handcuffs suggests that they’re the same as everyone else. But the last thing we want is for these people to think that they’re ordinary, because they create every single job in America.

It’s the perfect gift for that hard-to-shop-for relative who only thinks he already owns everything he needs.