3-year-old: Daddy Me: 3: Dad Me: 3: Dad! Me: 3: DAD! Me: WHAT?! 3: I love mommy the most. Thanks for the update.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2014
I don’t see why I have to go to church to talk to God. This is 2014. I should be able to text him or something.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2014
Wife: Did you glance at that jogger? Me: Who? W: The one in the sports bra? M: Oh, you mean the glorious bouncing D cups? Never saw them.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2014
I’m only wearing six pairs of long underwear. –Canadian sext
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2014
Coworker: You only smile when you get your way. Me: Not true. I also smile when you don’t get yours. Happiness is the same thing as spite.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2014