Wife: You put cheese on every hamburger you grilled Me: Yup Wife: What about people who don’t like cheese? Me: They can go back to Russia
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014
Me: *fucks up* Boss: You’re getting careless. Focus. Me: *focuses* *fucks up more precisely*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014
Me: I have to go to the bathroom. Wife: Don’t take your phone. That’s gross. Me: OK. Wife: Or the laptop. Me: Fine. *takes desktop PC*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014
Priest: Which Bible story do you like best? Me: The one when Jesus says ‘Later bitches’ & ninja-kicks his way to safety P: M: P: Me, too
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014
My 3-year-old got her new dress dirty and now she and my wife are both screaming and the world is going to end & hey look a beer good night.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 13, 2014