When a woman says, “I hope we can still be friends,” what she means is “If I see you on the sidewalk, I’ll hit you with my car.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014
Marriage is the moment in your life story when you stop being the main character and start being the annoying sidekick.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014
Wife: You’re pushing my buttons. Me: Where’s the one for “off?” And that’s why I’m walking with a limp.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014
My 3-year-old finally ate something without ketchup on it. I’d call that progress, but it was Play-Doh.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014
3-year-old daughter: *tackles a boy at daycare* Me: Why’d you do that? 3: He wouldn’t let me hug him. That boy is playing with fire.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014