Me: I won the donut-eating contest Boss: It wasn’t a contest. It was just a box of donuts. For everyone. And you ate them all Me: Loser
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt. Me: I did. Wife: That’s mauve. I hate it when she makes up words.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014
You’re not truly a nerd until you get in trouble and your parents ground you from reading books.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014
My goal on Twitter is to be so embarrassing that my daughter never dares to show her face on any social media. I’m in it for the long game.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014
Daycare is awkward because I don’t know the other parents’ names. Apparently it’s not OK to address someone as “mom of the smelly kid.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014
“Mauve” … yeah, been there.