3-year-old: Can we do this? Me: What did Mommy say? 3: No Me: Then why would I say yes? 3: Because she’s not the boss of you Checkmate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014
3-year-old: Where do babies come from? Me: Poor impulse control and dollar store condoms. 3: I’ll ask Mommy. Me: Good call.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014
We covered our backyard in candy-filled Easter eggs. My 1-year-old picked up zero eggs and one piece of dog poop. Money well spent.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014
My 3-year-old isn’t impressed I put a roof over her head, but she thinks I’m the coolest man alive because my watch lights up. I’ll take it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014
When someone says they’re “cautiously optimistic” about you, what they mean is they know you’re going to fuck up but they can’t prove it yet
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014