My wife didn’t MAKE me sleep on the couch. I CHOSE to sleep on the couch because I didn’t want her to murder me. Big difference.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2014
Me: I’m not that bad at sex. Wife: You thought the clitoris was a type of dinosaur. Me: Wait, it’s not?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2014
You’re not really a dad until you can sit in any chair and instantly take a nap.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2014
Wife: What’s the boldest thing you’ve ever done? Me: I googled something and clicked “I’m feeling lucky.” Wife: Me: Wife: Bedroom. Now.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 25, 2014
My 2-year-old threw a temper tantrum because I called her toy a horsey. It was actually a pony. Grief counselors are standing by.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 25, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrqMm1 2/24/14: pic.twitter.com/HdZ73LFQTj
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 17, 2014