My recent Google searches: How to get glue out of a kid’s eyebrows How to remove glue without removing eyebrows How to replace eyebrows
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2014
You call it “lazy.” I call it “extremely ambitious at things that aren’t work.” *takes a nap aggressively*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2014
Me: Give me one reason why I shouldn’t put you in timeout for a year 4-year-old daughter: I’m cute. Me: 4: Me: *gives her ice cream*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014
Me: We should buy that car. Wife: It has four seats, but there’s five of us. Me: So you’re saying we should sell one kid?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2014
My boss made me write my one-year, five-year, and ten-year goals. The only thing I put down was “have my life narrated by Morgan Freeman.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrqMm1 2/27/14: pic.twitter.com/t7k1LwMIYm
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 20, 2014