My 2-year-old is wearing sunglasses to watch TV because it’s too bright. Looks like she’s enjoying her first hangover.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014
Me: This is a no smoking zone. Wife: I don’t smoke. Me: You’re smoking hot. Wife: *pity sex achieved*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 29, 2014
4-year-old: This is my remote. Me: Those are M&Ms. 4: *gives M&Ms to 2-year-old* *2-year-old gets up and changes the channel*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world! Me: What’s her name? 4: I don’t remember.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014
Wife: *climbs step ladder* Can you help me get off? Me: Absolut- Wife: DOWN. I meant DOWN. Me: *leaves her up there*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014
Originally posted on http://t.co/HTDVyrqMm1 2/28/14: pic.twitter.com/f6z7yM0S9r
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 21, 2014