4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff? Me: It’s like writing his name on it. 4: So I- Me: YOU HAVE TO — USE PENCILS.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 3, 2014
I didn’t fall. I did a surprise gravity inspection. It seems to be in working order.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 3, 2014
The proper way to eat a salad: 1) Pick up the salad fork. 2) Pick up the salad. 3) Throw it all in the garbage. 4) Eat steak.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2014
Me: We should go to a haunted house. I won’t be scared. Wife: You jump every morning when the toast pops up. Fucking creepy ass toaster.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2014
Wife: How many beers did you have? Me: Six. But in dog beers, it was only 42. Wife: Me: OK, I don’t know why I thought that would help me
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 3, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/5/14: pic.twitter.com/Kc7LEnspXd
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 26, 2014
Surprise gravity inspections are my specialty, especially in the wintertime.