Me: What did I tell you about being bad?! 4-year-old: Don’t leave any witnesses. I guess she does listen.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2014
Coworker: I don’t like chocolate or bacon. Me: Interesting. Excuse me. *calls the pope* I’ve found the Antichrist.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2014
4-year-old: Will you have more kids? Me: Probably. How many do you think we should have? 4:*looks at her sisters* We already have too many
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 11, 2014
I’m wearing my good sweatpants. –married sext
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2014
Me: Ready to carve a jack-o’-lantern? *sticks knife in pumpkin* 4-year-old: Don’t kill it! Don’t kill it! Now we paint our pumpkins.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/17/14: pic.twitter.com/aeHK0xk7Wk
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 2, 2014