Boss: Why is your 5-year plan just a blank page with “wing it” written in purple crayon? Me: I couldn’t find my red one.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2014
I believe in giving my kids dietary choices. For dinner tonight, they can: 1) Eat whatever I cook for them. 2) Starve.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2014
4-year-old: There’s a slug on the porch. Me: Put some salt on it. She’s still crying. She thought I wanted her to eat it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2014
4-year-old: Where do we get bacon? Me: From pigs. 4: Are the pigs mad we take it? Me: 4: Me: If you become a vegetarian I’ll disown you
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2014
Someone should hire me to use my social awkwardness to drive people away. I’m like a scarecrow for humans.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 17, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/23/14: pic.twitter.com/MdvG1sglRH
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 8, 2014