I don’t always slam on my brakes, but when I do, it’s because some asshole is driving a Crown Victoria that looks like a cop car.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2014
It’s such a dick move to break up by text message. I did the classy thing and ended all my past relationships by carrier pigeon.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2014
The fact that “flammable” and “inflammable” both mean “will burn like a motherfucker” is why I have trust issues and two missing eyebrows.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2014
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2014
It’s weird how in customer service “Have a nice day” sounds exactly like “Fuck off and die.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2014