4-year-old: Can I get out of timeout? Me: What did you learn? 4: Don’t get caught.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 20, 2014
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead? Me: He put up Christmas lights before Thanksgiving. Judge: Not guilty.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 20, 2014
Wife:*watches reality TV* Who’s that? Me: A porn star Wife: How do you know? Me: Wife: Me: She was in an article about why porn is bad.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 20, 2014
Frost on your windshield is God’s gentle way of reminding you that your state is too cold to support human life.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 20, 2014
The top three addictions that ruin lives: 3) heroin 2) meth 1) Twitter
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 20, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 5/27/14: pic.twitter.com/BRwhWUFBPS
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 13, 2014