Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014
4-year-old: You’re my hero. Me: Because I’m big and brave? 4: Because you eat lots of food. I’ll take it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2014
I asked my wife what I should change about myself. She said she loves me just the way I am. Just kidding. She listed like 9,000 things.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2014
You’re not really married until your best friend and worst enemy are the same person.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2014
Me: When you’re older, do you think you’ll look more like me or Mommy? 4-year-old daughter: Mommy. Me: 4: Girls don’t like to be ugly.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2014
From http://t.co/VWBH85uwGZ 5/31/14: pic.twitter.com/0lMV6hbcJH
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 17, 2014