Wife: Jogging burns 300 calories. Me: What about napping? Wife: Like 1 calorie. Me: *takes 300 naps*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 29, 2014
4-year-old: When does Monopoly end? Me: When someone gets punched in the face.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 29, 2014
My 2-year-old demanded sprinkles on her French fries. I was going to refuse, but that’s fucking brilliant.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 29, 2014
Me: I got so much done today. Wife: You got drunk and watched “Jurassic Park.” Me: *crosses two things off my to-do list*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 29, 2014
You’re officially an adult when you realize the magic words aren’t “please” and “thank you.” They’re “I have a lawyer.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 29, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/5/14: pic.twitter.com/IOIXGUTLWO
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 24, 2014