Professor: Which dynasty came after the Ming Dynasty? Me: Professor: Me: Duck?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2014
Wife: You didn’t do anything today. Me: I quit smoking. Wife: You never smoked. Me: OK. I continued not smoking. Wife: Hurray for me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2014
4-year-old: How do you get on Twitter? Me: Make hundreds of bad life choices.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2014
Today I fantasized about ditching my minivan and upgrading to a slightly nicer minivan. This must be what it feels like to be dead inside.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2014
I miss the days when walking into the frozen aisle meant TV dinners and not 10,000 items with Elsa’s face.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/8/14: pic.twitter.com/ahBCTKWEeB
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 27, 2014