4-year-old: Why do cows only make milk?
Me: What else should they make?
4: Nachos
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2014
I’m sick of sitting at home staring at my phone.
I want to travel the world so I can stare at my phone somewhere new.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2014
My wife bought four giant bottles of ketchup.
That’s almost enough for my 2-year-old to eat one hot dog.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2014
I don’t need caffeine to wake up in the morning.
I respect my body.
I use cocaine.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2014
I’m a parent.
I don’t learn from my mistakes.
I just wait for them to get old enough to move out.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/11/14: pic.twitter.com/oy4gGlO4S3
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) December 1, 2014