Priest: Do you take her until death do you part? Me: Unless she poops with the door open Priest: Me Priest: Me: Priest: Well obviously
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2014
Me: You look nice. 3-year-old: Why? Me: You’re cute in that dress. 3: Why? She over-analyzes everything. She’s officially a woman.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2014
Me: There’s a party in my pants. Wife: Not interested. Me: But there’s a cheese platter. Wife: Me: *removes cheese from pants*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2014
Me: Are you mad at me? Wife: When I think about you, my brain lights things on fire. I’ll take that as a “maybe.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2014
3: I want to wear those shoes Me:*gets them* 3: No, the other ones Me:*gets them* 3: The OTHER ones Me:*sends her to daycare barefoot*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2014
Oh! The visuals! I see a three year old in a princess dress, no shoes, balancing a cheese platter on her way to school. No wonder your wife’s head’s on fire. I can see her on the toilet.