Whenever I get a wedding invite, I secretly wonder if it’s because the couple likes me or wants to murder me. Thanks, Game of Thrones.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2014
Me: Am I overdressed for Wal-Mart? Wife: You’re wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Me: You’re right. *puts on pajama pants and a wife beater*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2014
4-year-old: *cries* Me: What happened? 4: I was spinning and ran into the table. Me: Who’s fault is that? 4: The table’s.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2014
I won’t be happy until I get a GPS with the voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s ghost. “Luke, use the Force. And in 200 feet, take a left.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2014
4-year-old daughter: My friend said I was her BFF. Me: OK 4: Then she said she didn’t like me. Me: 4: I don’t like girls. They’re crazy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/16/14: pic.twitter.com/wqsUcfSpJd
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) December 8, 2014
My brother once ran into the table while hitting; he too blamed the table. Maybe there’s something to it?