How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2014
4-year-old: What does Jesus want for his birthday.
Me: For us all to be better people.
4:
Me:
4: I bet he wants an Xbox.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2014
4-year-old: Can I have a dress like Elsa’s?
Me: You have one.
4: No, one made of real ice.
Me:
4:
Me: We don’t have the freezer space.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2014
4-year-old: Can I have candy?
Me: No. You’ll ruin your dinner.
4: But you already ruined dinner.
Damn that smoke alarm.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2014
A dog on the news saved his entire family from a fire.
My dog pooped and the floor and took a nap while I cleaned it up.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/17/14: pic.twitter.com/gg8pmgMhu0
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) December 9, 2014