I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2014
4-year-old: Do you want to hear how loud I can make my voice? Me: Absolutely not. 4-year-old: ARE YOU SURE?!!!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2014
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you! *tries* 4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself? She’s not the first to ask me that.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2014
Me: It’s hand lotion. 4-year-old: Me: HAND lotion. 4-year-old: Me: HOW DID YOU GET IT IN YOUR EYES? 4: Am I blind?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2014
My mom: I swear I didn’t give your daughter candy. Me: She has chocolate in her eyebrows. My mom: I admit nothing.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2014