Him: Give $1 to save the planet? Me: I’ll give $2 to save 2 planets Him: Me: I pick Venus & Mars Him Me: But not Earth. Fuck that place
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2014
Priest: You’re an adult. You can’t eat snacks in church. Me: It’s not a snack. It’s a meal. Him: Me: *finishes fajitas*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2014
Me: What do you want for lunch? 4-year-old: Spaghetti and M&Ms! Me: How about spaghetti and meatballs? 4: Me: 4: Me: 4: You’re weird.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2014
Coworker: I refuse to be second best. Me: Don’t worry. You’re not. Him: Thanks. Me: Seriously, you’re not even in the top 100.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2014
Nice try, state tourism ad. If a trip to Ohio was really better than my everyday life, I’d save the gas money and kill myself.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2014