4-year-old daughter: Why don’t you wear makeup? Me: Because I don’t need to. I’m a boy. 4: Do you like to be ugly?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2014
4-year-old: Will you buy me a new toy? Me: No. 4-year-old: Do you want me to be miserable? Me: As long as you suffer quietly.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2014
4-year-old: Can we get a dog? Me: We have a dog. 4: No, one that talks like on TV. Me: 4: Me: 4: Me: I’ll see what I can do.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2014
Me: What? You said I could bring a brown bag lunch. Boss: Your bag is wrapped around a whiskey bottle. Me: That’s slander! It’s vodka.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2014
Saying you don’t drink to get drunk is like saying you don’t have sex to get orgasms.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2014