Wife: Did you get some mothballs? Me: Yeah. I castrated the moths myself. Wife: Me: I’m still haunted by their screams.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2014
J.K. Rowling: I’m the richest author Jesus: Bitch, please. I get Bible royalties. Rowling: Jesus: The pool on my yacht has a yacht in it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 20, 2014
Me: Do you think Muppets have genitals under their clothes? Wife: No. Me: Then where do baby Muppets come from? Wife: Me: WHERE?!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2014
Me: Women will love my deadly solar radiation dispensary Wife: Why don’t you call it a tanning salon? Me: That’s a stupid name. I hate it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 20, 2014
Me: I hate arguing with you. You just yell until I agree with you. Wife: No I don’t! Me: You’re right.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2014