I just ate the sticker on an apple, in case you wondered how many fucks I give today.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 24, 2014
*eats goldfish crackers*
*adds “marine biologist” to résumé*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 24, 2014
My mom: I spent lots of time and money raising you
Me: I know. And I love you for it.
My mom: I don’t want appreciation. I want a refund.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 24, 2014
Workout status: I scrolled through inspirational fitness posts while I ate an entire bag of Cheetos.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 24, 2014
Me: If we don’t have sex tonight, I will literally die.
Wife: So what I’m hearing is it’s a win-win for me if I have a headache.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 24, 2014