Boss: How long were you in the bathroom? Me: Not long. Boss: The motion-sensing lights shut off on you. Me: I noticed that when I woke up
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2014
What women think will happen: Her: I’m fine Him: I’m so sorry What really happens: Her: I’m fine Him: OK. *watches sports for 40 years*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2014
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress* *puts on ballerina shoes* *puts on ballerina tiara* Me: Who are you supposed to be? 4: A ninja.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2014
Me: *drinks beer* 2-year-old: Can I have some? 4-year-old: No, you’re too little. Me: That’s right. 4-year-old: Can I have some?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2014
4-year-old: My sister bit me! Me: Bite her back. Wife: No! Me: Fine. We’ll do this the civilized way. *hands out Tasers*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2014
