Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee. Coworker: But you never drink coffee. Me: Exactly.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2014
Me: Why don’t you send me birthday cards? Mom: Same reason I don’t send cards for car crashes Me: What? Mom: I don’t celebrate accidents.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2014
4-year-old: My teacher said zombies aren’t real. Me: That sounds like something a zombie would say. 4: *hides under her bed forever*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2014
4-year-old: Are monsters real? Me: Of course not. 4: Me: Unless you wake me up before 6 a.m. Then they’re real and will totally eat you.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2014
[inside the Disney lair] I wrote a song little kids will NEVER stop singing. Does it have an appropriately ironic title? “Let It Go.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2014