4-year-old: I baked you cookies. Me: Really? Awesome. 4: *hands me imaginary cookies* Me: Kids are an unending source of disappointment.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2014
Wife: Do you know what the best thing is about you? Me: What? Wife: I’m honestly asking. I don’t see an upside.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2014
Relationship status: I can taste the difference between different brands of mace.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2014
Wife: All your trophies are for participation Me: So? It proves I was dedicated enough to show up. Wife: You bought them at a garage sale.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2014
I love how hundred-dollar designer jeans come with built-in holes to make them look ratty. It costs a lot of money to look poor.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2014