Oscar Pistorius was acquitted of murder.
Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson immediately vowed to help him find the real killer.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2014
In case you questioned how brave I am, I fell off the couch when I woke up from a nap because I thought my hoodie string was a snake.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2014
I ate a piece of celery with my buffalo wings.
It counts as a salad.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2014
Wife: Growing up, my parents taught us to share our food equally.
Me: I once broke my arm in three places diving for the last Oreo.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2014
Me: Did I ever tell you I was the pinewood derby champ three years in a row?
Wife:
She didn’t even get naked. That woman is made of stone.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2014