4-year-old: These taste funny. Me: They’re not candy. They’re decorative soaps. 4: Me: STOP EATING THEM.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2014
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle 4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2014
Me: I keep experiencing these weird things in my chest. Doctor: They’re called feelings. Me: MAKE THEM STOP.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2014
The greatest disappointment of my adult life is none of the appliances I’ve purchased have turned out to be Transformers.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2014
I caught my 2-year-old trying to plug a USB cable into her belly button. Maybe she’ll download an app to stop being an asshole.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 13, 2014