A woman at work said she believes in biblical marriage, so I bought her from her father for nine goats.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2014
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means. I said “Happy” Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2014
4-year-old: I know a joke! Me: 4: Me: 4: Me: 4: Me: Well? 4: I didn’t say I wanted to tell it to you.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2014
Me: Pick up your clothes. 4-year-old: I have to ask you something important first. Me: 4: Me: 4: Why don’t light bulbs talk?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2014
It’s easy to spot a married man at the store alone. He’s the one with a look of terror in his eyes that he’ll pick the wrong type of yogurt.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2014