When is Jesus’ Second Coming?

Ever since the first century, many Christians have lived in fear, prepared themselves for Jesus Christ’s horrifying, imminent return. In the history of our world, there are at least 50 documented cases from religious leaders that predicted the end of times (millions and millions more if you include the lesser known and mentally unstable). These failed prophesies are often blamed on the difficulty in interpreting the book of Revelations. Many Christians have tried to understand this challenging chapter of the Bible, but unfortunately, there are almost as many concepts of His second coming as there are divisions of Christianity.

What you don’t know, however, is that God has already requested his only Son to return to Earth from space Heaven many times. A few of those examples include:

In 1692, near the height of the mass hysteria surrounding witchcraft accusations, God asked Jesus to go down to clear things up. Jesus anticipated that turning water into wine before a group of panicked protestants would have him immediately found guilty of witchcraft and burned at the stake. Unsure of how he was to return from the grave as nothing more than a smoldering pile of ashes, Jesus proclaimed:

This did not please God, so Jesus was then spanked and sent to his room without dinner.

During the climax of World War 2, God felt more than ever that it was time for Jesus Part 2: Electric Jesusloo. After all, it was the perfect opportunity to save millions from genocide as well as intervene in Hitler’s diabolical plan to take over the world with an un-Christlike Aryan nation. But Jesus wasn’t falling for that. He knew the Nazi party would have a special oven for Him once they discovered he was king of the Jews.

For disobeying his Dad’s command, Jesus was subsequently grounded for two weeks and attending the school dance was forbidden.

Even in modern times, due to the recent outbreak of injustices performed in His name, God once again commanded Jesus to climb off his cross and make an appearance so as to calibrate humanity as His word has become overly diluted since the creation of Adam and Eve. This way, all questions regarding faith can be answered and the wars and violence can cease. But Jesus knew that the moment he uttered the acceptance of gays and explained that homosexuality is a part of God’s plan for population control (since the current abstinence-only pregnancy programs are failing, birth control is becoming increasingly difficult to acquire, and the Dugger baby machine continues to produce), he would be accused of being a false prophet and attacked by an angry, Christian mob that will trample him to death. With this, Jesus rebelled against his Dad’s word yet again by throwing his hands in the air and saying:

Jesus had to write “I will not sass off to Dad.” 50,000 times on the blackboard while everyone else got to go to recess.

So since you now know that the end of times isn’t happening anytime in the near future, scared Christians can stop living in so much fear. The next time you hear a report about an upcoming end of the world, remember that millions and millions have been wrong before. Enjoy the life in front of you and stop wasting your limited days being afraid of what may not even happen in your lifetime. Isn’t life here for enjoying?

Amen.