One of the most pressing issues of recent weeks is, now that the iPhone 6 has been released, what should you do with your worthless piece of garbage iPhone 5s? Who cares? Just as long as you get rid of it immediately! Let me explain why only the worst sort of scumbag would now be caught dead with an iPhone 5s.
Size:
While your iPhone 5s was painstakingly built to dimensions perfectly optimized for all of mankind, times have changed. People are much larger now than they were a year ago. Hence the larger, more perfectly sized iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus, which is even bigger.
Resolution:
The iPhone 5s retina display was created to work exactly like your eyes. Duh, “retina.” I guess you thought that was just some kind of marketing buzzword. But again, the human retina has evolved since 2013 and now can appreciate resolutions of 1334×750 or 1920×1080. Pictures of your children with your disgusting iPhone 5s might as well have been constructed in Minecraft.
Video capture:
The iPhone 6 and 6 Plus can capture video at an amazing 60 frames per second while the iPhone 5s can only capture 30 frames per second. That means you’d be missing half of any video you decide to still shoot with your useless piece of shit iPhone 5s. If Abraham Zapruder was carrying an iPhone 5s, we’d be saying, “his head moved back and to the…I don’t even know where.”
Battery:
Your iPhone 5s battery will last only up to 10 hours. These days, it is really hard to come across some sort of electrical charging source. Often people will drive around in their cars for hours looking for one. You’d basically have to get a mile long cord to even make the iPhone 5s slightly usable.
Processor:
Your iPhone 5s sports an aging A7 processor, while the 6 and 6 Plus have an exciting new A8 processor. Eight is greater than seven. Enough said.
Apple Pay:
With the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus, you can pay for things with your phone. With your atrocious iPhone 5s, you’ll need to sheepishly dip into your wallet for a credit card and hope no one you know is watching.
So please do yourself a favor and get rid of that horrendous iPhone 5s before the neighbors start taking up a collection for you.
But I just turned in my slider. My phone’s been smarter than me for less than a year.
Crap. I’m still using a 4S. Wait, maybe it’s so retro it’s cool! That’s the story I’m goin’ with.
I hear you loud and clear! Already flushed my 5s down the toilet. What an embarrassment that thing was. I mean, do I want to look like some kind of techno loser carrying around yesterday’s (literally) gadgets?
You got me soooo fired up to get rid of my 5 that I through it out of my car window!!! Now I have nothing to trade