A Home Buyer’s Guide to Bathroom Etiquette

According to the National Association of Realtors, just under five million homes are sold each year in the United States. Potential buyers are seeking out the home of their dreams, an investment property, or are on the move to new locations and destinations. While dweller seekers are—well—seeking a dwelling, homeowners are doing everything they can to give those who walk into their home the best possible impression. That means smelly socks are hidden, dog nose smudges are wiped away, and last, but not least, bathrooms are bleachy clean.

As someone who recently had their home on the market, I thought it helpful to provide some tips for those who may spend several hours, or even several days, traipsing from house to house in an effort to find the one you cannot imagine yourself living without. A little bathroom advice:

1. If you need to “drop your kids off at the pool” be sure they make it into the deep end.
2. If you’re not sure what I’m alluding to above, please double flush, triple flush, flush until you can’t see those kids holding onto the side of the pool any longer. No one wants to see your spawn floating lazily in still waters when they return home. No one wants to hear their daughter scream upon finding your little ones bobbing up and down, then have to talk her out of puking. So please, for the love, just flush, will you?
3. If you leave your reading material in the homeowner’s bathroom, it’ll be discovered. They will know you rifled through their bookcase, the magazine rack next to their bed, or that secret stash of items in the nightstand the homeowner’s best friend has taken an oath to burn immediately upon their death. So if you’re gonna snoop, be stealthy.
4. If you have a long day of house hunting ahead of you, eat responsibly. No Jalapeño Nachos Delight should be consumed. Steer clear of Miralax milkshakes. It’s not really a guideline or a suggestion. It’s a commandment.
5. Lastly, if you gotta go, by all means, please do so. When nature calls you must answer; I totally get it. Yet I encourage you, that when you wash your hands remember to use soap. Streaked hand towels reveal all kinds of interesting things. Very interesting, DNA laced things. I’m not really sure that’s the kind of mark you want to leave in this world.