Armani Recalls Black Performance Cape Due to Whiplash Hazard | HumorOutcasts

Armani Recalls Black Performance Cape Due to Whiplash Hazard

February 27, 2015
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Recall Details

Armani is recalling its long black capes* due to strangulation and whiplash hazards recently discovered.

 

Units

About 3 (most likely in possession of Batman, Ozzy Osbourne and Zorro)

 

Description

Long, black, sequined satin cape, with red satin lining. Silk tie at neck that can be described as “tricky.” Measures approximately 15 feet long. Primarily used for celebrity performances and vampire fetishes, as it has no super powers or practical daily use.

 

Incidents/Injuries

Singer Madonna was injured in Europe this week at the Brit Awards after her Armani cape was “tied too tightly” and did not release after being yanked by her dancers onstage. The cape, which had been expected to come off, caused Madonna to fall backwards on set of stairs, and land on her head. She suffered some mild whiplash, but fortunately no concussion. Doctors say no brain was located. Her pride, however, was severely injured.

Remedy

Consumers are urged to return their capes to Armani stores at their nearest Premium Outlet Mall, or send directly back to the manufacturer. Capes will be replaced with a child’s product that has a Velcro latch at the neck instead of the silk ties, allowing for quick release in case of a performance emergency.

 

Sold At

Armani, Premium Outlet Malls

 

Manufactured In

China

 

*Should not be confused with Harry Potter’s Cloak of Invisibility, which comes with its own set of problems and recalls.

Emily Schleiger

Emily Schleiger is a writer in the Chicago area. Her work has been published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, Second City Network, and HumorOutcasts.com. After surviving a short career in Human Resources, she has studied at The Second City and Gotham Writers’ Workshop. For more writing, check out EmilySchleiger.com and DontRepeatThisInPreschool.com. For her birthday she would love a drum set, but in the interim she’s just fine with smacking carrots against the kitchen countertop because she is adaptable like that.

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8 Responses to Armani Recalls Black Performance Cape Due to Whiplash Hazard

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    March 1, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    When I was still actively performing all over the world, I had enough trouble just keeping my male colleagues from stepping on my long gown.

    My opinion: If you wear a 15-foot cape tied around your neck on a stage with a bunch of nervous performers under stage lights that are probably half-blinding everyone, you are a strangulation death waiting to happen!

    • March 4, 2015 at 11:06 am

      I think it’s a miracle Madonna has survived at all, this far. I think that HGH she takes gives her some kind of immunity to death.

  2. February 28, 2015 at 6:23 am

    I had a visibility cape … only wore it once …

  3. February 27, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    I am very worried the people who are outsmarted by a cape. It doesn’t even have sleeves. I guess it could be a communist plot from China?

    • February 27, 2015 at 6:49 pm

      I agree, to be “outsmarted by a cape” seems like a sarcastic definition of a low range of IQ test scores.

  4. February 27, 2015 at 10:49 am

    A possibly fatal wardrobe malfunction, but then few could claim a designer death in an Armani cape. Send them back!

    • February 27, 2015 at 12:17 pm

      Velcro may not be sleek, but safety first, right?



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